When people say stupid shit

Someone, whom I once regarded a friend, but haven’t had much contact with in recent years, wrote this to me:

Staying in an unhappy relationship because of money is dumb and you’re not dumb, so don’t do it. And don’t come back to me with all the financial excuses of why it’s not possible. If you’re not happy then leave.

It’s only a small part of the whole, but it pissed me off something fierce. I had just told her how the finances for me and the boo looked miserable, and that it was putting a strain on our relationship. I did not say that he was the one making me unhappy. What I did say was that even if I were to decide that the relationship was no longer for me, I do not have the money to move out. And I don’t. I have done the math a thousand times now, and fact is: with the needs and income that I currently have I cannot afford to live alone. End. Of. Story. The bank will not lend me more money. Understandable, of course. They need a guarantee that they’ll get them back at some point.

To this woman financial excuses are just excuses and not real reasons. She just exhibited such a shitload of class privilege that it took my breath away. She’s divorced and has married a new man. She’s been through the whole miserable break-up part and trouble-some divorce hassle. She knows it’s not easy. But since I’m not married to my boyfriend it must just be totally easy for me to leave, right? Wrong.

I. Cannot. Afford. A. Place. Alone.

My maths are simple. I have an income, which I get from the state until they figure out what sort of job I can handle with my disability. That income is all I have. Anything I might earn by teaching two hours a week (which I do) is subtracted from that income. That means that I cannot raise my income in any way. Unless, of course, I do so illegally, which would be pretty stupid considering the risk of discovery. My income is what it is and cannot be adjusted upwards. At all. Not until I get some help for my disability.

So, taking that income I subtract the cost of necessities. Phone and internet – no way I can do without them, considering my diagnosis. Food – el cheapo stuff, too. Cat food and vet bills – I cannot live without my cat, it has helped me immensely to have him. I could not do without. Power, heat and water – basics that I know the cost of pretty precisely since I’ve lived alone before, when my income was higher, before my life collapsed on me. Union membership – no good to skip that one. And finally assorted household stuff like cleaning agents, toothpaste, soap, bags for the dustbin and lightbulbs. Adding all this up I end with a finite amount, obviously.

My problem arises because the amount I end with cannot pay the rent for a two-room flat in the town in which I live. And I need two rooms. If I have only one room I will never meet other people, because I cannot bear to invite anyone (in whom I have no sexual interest) into what is essentially my bedroom. It feels wrong and awkward and far more intimate than I can stand. Besides, I couldn’t make myself confine a cat to just one room, even if I think my fat cat would be perfectly happy pretty much anywhere I am.

Of course, I could look for a flat outside of the city, but whatever I might save on the rent would just be used on transportation, so there’s really no point. And I’d seldom go anywhere, then, ’cause me and crowded buses? Eek.

Moving to a cheaper city/town? Theoretically it’s an option, but then I’d have to start all over with my treatment and stuff, both in the health-care system and the unemployment system. I’d need to switch to a new doctor, a new therapist, a new job consultant, a new case counselor and a new economic counselor. That’s a lot of new people for someone with people-phobia due to a diagnosis. That’d take more spoons than I have. In fact, just imagining that situation kills a few of my daily spoons.

But of course that’s just excuses. I guess that makes me dumb, yeah?

This woman, who told me this, calls herself a feminist, and yet she says that staying in a bad relationship for financial reasons is dumb. Does she even have a clue how many abused women are locked in place because they don’t have the social support network that they need? The amount of abused women who are killed because they didn’t have enough money/other resources to get far enough away from an abusive man who turned murderous? I’m not abused – not in any way, let me make that perfectly clear – all I said was that due to financial issues our relationship is strained, the same financial issues that make it impossible for me to afford a place of my own. So giving up on the relationship is not an option. Besides, to me, everything looks bleak right now due to depression, and I’d really hate to crawl out the other side of that depression and realize that the relationship was “the shit” and I should’ve stayed.

My focus is and should be on getting better at managing my disability. And I don’t need so-called friends telling me that I’m dumb for facing reality and making do with what I have. That’s so majorly offensive to me that I can’t even begin to express it.