Intimidation 101

If the situation is in no other way threatening to anyone, then, telling a person that you will not do X, will make that person think that X is exactly, what you’re planning to do.

Example from the other day: Early in the morning I drive my boyfriend to work, ’cause I need to car myself later on. When I return – still early in the morning – I often cross paths with the man who cleans the entrance-way and staircase where I enter from the parking lot. I’ve seen him often; sometimes we take the elevator together. We seldom say anything but “Good morning.” or “Time for another day’s work, eh?” We don’t know each other’s names, we just know that the other belongs there at that time of day.

And this other day was different. It didn’t start out as such, mind you. I came back from dropping off my boyfriend, I noticed the cleaner’s car parked where it usually is, I went inside. I waited for the elevator (sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t – depends on my laziness or the condition of my knees that day), and when it arrived, I went in. He went in as well with his bucket, mop etc etc. Nothing unusual about it except he started talking to me. “Hope you don’t mind me riding with you.” He said, to which I responded. “Not at all, happens so often, there’s room for both of us.” There could easily be five people in that elevator, so him and me and a bucket is hardly a crowd. But then he said: “No worries, I won’t harm you.”

That sent every single one of my alarm bells into overdrive. Why the hell does he feel the need to say that? Is it because he wants me to feel safe around him? Why does he want me to feel safe around him? What does he want? What does he want with me? What’s he trying to say? I think I managed to stutter out something like “I think I could handle it should you try.” In my language, what I said clearly communicated that I’ll defend myself fang, beak and claw, though I suspect my voice might not have been terribly impressive. I spent the entire walk from the elevator down the walkway to my door listening intently for the door behind me. It never did open and close a second time. He didn’t follow me or anything.

Up until that day it had never occured to me to fear that man. He seems a rather shy and awkward fellow. Slight of build, though on his face that fact is hidden by a beard. He seems quiet and calm, and since I still remember the most efficient self-defence moves from my Kung Fu classes many years ago, it has never occured to me that he might pose a threat. Rationally, I still don’t think he does.

But the mere fact that he suggested to me that he might be a threat makes my skin crawl. “Huh?” you might say, “but he just assured you that he wouldn’t try anything.” Yes, indeed. But it works like this, you see: If I tell you: Do NOT think about blue elephants! What’s the first think you’re gonna think about? Blue elephants. Because in actively not thinking about them, you’ll first have to think about them. Makes sense, yes? So if he tells me he won’t try anything, then, first of all, it’ll make me think about all the things he might/could do if he did try something, and what with all the terrible news stories we hear, women don’t even need that much of an imagination to imagine all sorts of horrors. Second, if he finds it necessary, to reassure me that he won’t try anything, it indicates that he has actually considered trying something. And that’s probably what creeps me out the most. Third, convincing your chosen victim that you can be trusted is the most efficient strategy used by predators everywhere, so even if that’s not what he intended, that’s still the message he’s sending. Especially since gaining someone’s trust is something honest people do with actions and behaviour and something dishonest people do by telling people to trust them.

Who would you trust? The one who says: “Trust me.” or the one who just behaves decently and backs off when you tell them?

Suffice to say, I’ll be using another entrance to the building for a while.

Lesson: If you want people to feel safe around you, never, ever, EVER tell them what you’re NOT going to do. There’s a pretty good chance it’ll freak them out, and even if it doesn’t, it might still make you look/sound very, very weird. This especially goes if you’re in a position of privilege ie white, male, cis, het, able-bodied, member of biggest religion in your community etc etc. and if you’re a combination of several of these: be extra careful because you most likely cannot fathom just how threatened under-privileged people can feel just from your presence, not to mention your words.